Saturday, December 10, 2011

"Help Me Rhonda" by the Beach Boys

Recently I was browsing a website of T-shirts, and I came across this awful fratboy joke of a name. Then I heard "Help Me Rhonda" and figured out that the name fit into the lyrics.

Original lyrics:
Help me Rhonda,
Help help me Rhonda
Help me Rhonda,
Help help me Rhonda

Lewd lyrics:
Would ya blow me
Heywood Jablowme
Would ya blow me
Heywood Jablowme

I apologize for this one; I know you've grown accustomed to a higher level of humor than this in Lewd Lyrics.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

"I Will Follow Him" by Lesley Gore

This is one of those awful songs that still gets tons of airplay on oldies stations.

Original lyrics:
I love him, I love him, I love him,
And where he goes I´ll follow, I´ll follow, I´ll follow.

Lewd lyrics:
I love him, I love him, I love him,
And when he comes I´ll swallow, I´ll swallow, I´ll swallow.

If you really love him, you will.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

"I Hate Myself for Loving You" by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

I actually came up with these lyrics while watching Sunday Night Football on NBC. Their theme song, sung by Faith Hill, is a rewrite of this Joan Jett & the Blackhearts tune. This matters because I personally would prefer to imagine Hill singing the following lewd lyrics rather than Jett.

Original lyrics:
I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you
That's why I hate myself for loving you

Lewd lyrics:
I hate myself for blowing you
My whole damn face is covered with goo
I wanna throw up 'cause I choked on it, too
That's why I hate myself for blowing you

This is especially appropriate since Jett is a vegetarian. She hates herself for putting a sausage in her mouth!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

"Talking in Your Sleep" by the Romantics

I came up with this one years ago, when the video was in heavy rotation on MTV.

Original lyrics:
I hear the secrets that you keep
When you're talking in your sleep
I hear the secrets that you keep
When you're talking in your sleep


Lewd lyrics:
I hear the secrets that you keep
When you're fucking with your sheep
I hear the secrets that you keep
When you're fucking with your sheep


The funniest thing about these lewd lyrics is the idea that a sheep-fucker would engage in pillow talk after doing the deed. Then again, they are the Romantics!

Monday, September 26, 2011

"The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by the Charlie Daniels Band

I thought this was the coolest song when I was nine years old. But when they came out with "Legend of Wooley Swamp", I thought that was even cooler.

Original lyrics:
The devil bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat.
He laid that golden fiddle on the ground at Johnny's feet.
Johnny said: "Devil just come on back if you ever want to try again.
"I told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best that's ever been."


Lewd lyrics:
The devil gave good head because he knew that he'd been beat.
And he let that seed spill on the ground at Johnny's feet.
Johnny said: "Devil just come on back if you ever want to blow again.
"I told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best that's ever been."


Yeah, that's right. Instead of a fiddle of gold, the devil bets Johnny a blowjob! And then he spills the seed against God's wishes, just like Onan (except Onan was banging his dead brother's wife, not giving another dude a hummer).


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

"Closing Time" by Semisonic

I really liked this band -- I was a fan of Dan Wilson and John Munson when they were in Trip Shakespeare 20 years ago, too. While I'm glad "Closing Time" made some money for them (btw, check out drummer Jacob Schlichter's book about the music business, So You Wanna Be a Rock & Roll Star), eventually it shifted into the category of "overplayed." And when a song gets too much airplay, my mind starts to twist the words a bit...

Original lyrics:
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home

Lewd lyrics:
I know who I want to take my hose
I know who I want to take my hose
I know who I want to take my hose

What I like about the new lyrics is that they don't change the meaning of the song one bit. They just make it a little more direct.

Friday, August 26, 2011

"Bad Day" by R.E.M.

I was a fan of R.E.M. back in the day, when Michael Stipe's lyrics were so hard to understand they may as well all have been lewd. Of course, this is a newer song.

Original lyrics:
It's been a bad day.
Please don't take a picture.
It's been a bad day.
Please.

Lewd lyrics:
It's been a bad day.
Please don't take my pecker.
It's been a bad day.
Please.

Because that would make a bad day much, much worse.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

"Do Your Ears Hang Low?"

For a change of pace, here's an old ditty all the kids know. I hear it playing from the Good Humor ice cream truck rolling slowly down our street.

Original lyrics:
Do your ears hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them o'er your shoulder
Like a Continental Soldier?
Do your ears hang low?


Lewd lyrics:
Do your balls hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them to your cock?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you shake them in your pants
When you do a little dance?
Do your balls hang low?

Needless to say, the Good Humor man's tour down our street has become the sing-a-long highlight of my day.

Friday, August 19, 2011

"Lookin' Out My Back Door" by Creedence Clearwater Revival

I have a friend who knows a guy in a Chicago-based CCR tribute band called the Fortunate Sons. They are pretty good. If you want to hear what CCR sounded like back in the day, they are more accurate than John Fogerty's current live show. I've heard them play a lot, so I've come up with plenty of lewd CCR lyrics to share.

Original lyrics:
Doo, doo, doo, lookin' out my back door

Lewd lyrics:
Doo, doo, doo, goin' in her back door

No, you won't hear the Fortunate Sons sing these words!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

"I Hear You Knocking" by Gale Storm, Dave Edmunds, and Others

Wikipedia lists more than 25 artists who have recorded this classic.

Original lyrics:
I hear you knocking but you can't come in
I hear you knocking, go back where you've been

Lewd lyrics:
Show me your knockers or you can't come in
Show me your knockers, baby it's no sin

A reasonable request, don't you think?

Monday, July 4, 2011

"Don't Let Me Down" by the Beatles

This was never a favorite. It's pretty overrated as a Beatles song, notable only for Billy Preston's part. The only decent lyrics are in the bridge; the rest are repetitive.

Original lyrics:
Don't let me down
Don't let me down
(repeat ad nauseum)

Lewd lyrics:
Don't box your clown
Don't box your clown
(repeat ad nauseum)

The only problem is I can't really imagine John Lennon recording a public service announcement discouraging people from masturbating.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Bonus: Curse of the Day

"You Satan-fellatin' motherfucker!"

Sunday, June 5, 2011

"Getting Better" by the Beatles

I just read a book that argued Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band is the most overrated rock album of all time. I'd have to agree since I don't even think it's the best Beatles album. Revolver is a better collection of songs, and Abbey Road is greater as a whole.

Original lyrics:
Getting so much better all the time!
It's getting better all the time
Better, better, better.
It's getting better all the time
Better, better, better.


Lewd lyrics:
Getting so much beaver all the time!
I'm getting beaver all the time
Beaver, beaver, beaver.
I'm getting beaver all the time
Beaver, beaver, beaver.


Do I really need to explain this one? They were the freaking Beatles. You know they were getting plenty of pussy.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

"Walking on the Moon" by the Police

Here's another Police song.

Original lyrics:
Giant steps are what you take
Walking on the moon
I hope my legs don't break
Walking on the moon

Lewd lyrics:
Giant strokes are what you take
Jerking off at porn
I hope my dick don't break
Jerking off at porn

This song is slow enough that it's easy to make up the rest of the lyrics as you go.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

"Ballroom Blitz" by Sweet

Here's a classic from the 1970s.

Original lyrics:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the man at the back said
Everyone attack and it turned into a ballroom blitz
And the girl in the corner said
Boy, I wanna warn ya, it'll turn into a ballroom blitz
Ballroom blitz, ballroom blitz, ballroom blitz
Ballroom blitz


Lewd lyrics:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the man at the back, he
Gave his dick a whack and he shot his load all over her tits
And the queer in the corner, he
Didn't wanna bone her, so he shot his load all over her tits
All over her tits, all over her tits, all over her tits
All over her tits


This is a fun one to sing because the words come out so fast.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

"I'm a Believer" by the Monkees - UPDATED

Originally posted September 6, 2010:

Everybody knows by now that Neil Diamond wrote this, right?

Original lyrics:
Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind

Lewd lyrics:
She sat on my face, now I'm a believer
I love that taste, no doubt in my mind

It's all about the power of the pussy, ya'll.

UPDATE:
Lewder lyrics:
She sat on my face, and I ate her beaver
I love that taste, no doubt in my mind

I don't know why it took so long for me to think of replacing believer with beaver, but I just had to share my revelation here.

"Voices" by Cheap Trick

I'm back after a long absence with another one from Cheap Trick.

Original lyrics:
You didn't know what you were looking for
Until you heard the voices in your ear

Lewd lyrics:
You didn't know what you were looking for
Until you felt my pecker in your rear

Well, that's always an eye-opener!

There are lots of possibilities for lewd lyrics in other songs by changing "your ear" into "your rear."

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

"She's Always a Woman to Me" by Billy Joel

I think Billy Joel gets a bad rap from critics, and I'm not sure why. I like most of his popular stuff, except for that damn fire song.

Original lyrics:
She steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me


Lewd lyrics:
She stinks when she queefs
But she's always a woman to me


I'll admit that the only reason I came up with this one is because I love the word queef.

Monday, February 7, 2011

"Voices Carry" by 'Til Tuesday

Here's a 1980s classic.

Original lyrics:
Hush hush
Keep it down now
Voices carry

Lewd lyrics:
Flush flush
Flush it down now
Dysentery

I got tired of my wife singing this song all the time so I changed the words a little. Notice how dysentery fits so much better than diarrhea even though both have four syllables. I take my craft seriously!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

"On Top of the World" by Cheap Trick

When Cheap Trick's Live at Budokan came out, it was my favorite album. Of course, I was only eight years old. Well, this song wasn't on that album. It wasn't even played at that show, although a 1979 live recording appeared on the Budokan II album fifteen years later.

Original lyrics:
You're on top of the world
On top of the world and you can't
Get any higher
You're on top of the world
You're on top of the world tonight


Lewd lyrics:
You're on top of the girl
On top of the girl and you can't
Get any harder
You're on top of the girl
You're on top of the girl tonight


Come to think of it, there's not much difference between being on top of a girl and feeling like you're on top of the world.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

"Killer Queen" by Queen

I can imagine Brian May when Freddie Mercury would come to him with song lyrics: "Oh man, is this another song about a dude?" This song, however, is about a woman, an expensive prostitute.

Original lyrics:
To avoid complications
She never kept the same address
In conversation
She spoke just like a baroness


Lewd lyrics:
To avoid constipation
She always drank her prune juice
To end conversations
She said she had to drop a deuce


Nice imagery here, eh? This woman drinks prune juice to stay regular, and then when she wants people to go away she just says she has to take a shit. It totally goes against the high-class descriptions in the original.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

"Nightshift" by the Commodores

A heartfelt tribute to R&B greats Marvin Gaye and Jackie Wilson probably shouldn't be rewritten this way, but I have no shame.

Original lyrics:
Gonna be some sweet sounds
Coming down
On the nightshift

Lewd lyrics:
Gonna be some sweet sounds
Going down
On my nightstick

You can't tell me the same band that did "Brick House" has never thought of similarly lewd lyrics for this song.

Monday, January 17, 2011

"You've Got a Friend" by James Taylor

I hate James Taylor. Always have. This song was written by Carole King.

Original lyrics:
You've got a friend

Lewd lyrics:
Kiss my rear end

Despite my anti-James Taylor sentiments above, I would like to hear his voice singing these new lyrics.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

"Born in the U.S.A." by Bruce Springsteen

The familiar anthem-like version of this song belies the dark message in the lyrics. God knows it sure fooled a lot of Republicans. Regardless, I like the intense acoustic version better.

Original lyrics:
Born in the U.S.A.
I was born in the U.S.A.

Lewd lyrics:
Born to fuck your mom
I was born to fuck your mom

Okay, I know that's totally juvenile, but I love singing those words when I hear this song on the radio.

Monday, January 3, 2011

"I'll Have to Say I Love You in a Song" by Jim Croce

Jim Croce was a talented and entertaining singer-songwriter. It's a shame his career was cut short.

Original lyrics:
Every time I tried to tell you
The words just came out wrong
So I'll have to say I love you in a song

Lewd lyrics:
Every time I tried to tell you
The words just came out wrong
So I'll have to say I love you with my schlong

Although I like a lot of Croce's work, I could do without this song. I like the message of the lewd lyrics, though. Why talk about love when you can just do it? Nothing says "I love you" like a good hammering!