Thursday, October 28, 2010

"Train Kept A Rollin'" by Aerosmith, the Yardbirds, and Others

This classic first came out in 1951, but later versions are much better known. It's probably most associated with Aerosmith but the first version I heard was by the Yardbirds.

Original lyrics:
The train kept a rollin' all night long

Lewd lyrics:
The train kept a rollin' on my shlong


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

"Dreamboat Annie" by Heart

My wife likes Heart, but the only CD she has is a lame "unplugged" concert. The first song on that CD is "Dreamboat Annie" --not one of my favorite Heart tunes in any form -- so I made this up solely to tease her whenever she makes me play that crappy CD.

Original lyrics:
Oh, Annie
Dreamboat Annie
Little ship of dreams

Lewd lyrics:
Oh, Annie
Douche bag Annie
Little bag of douche

It's not my best work, but my wife can't help laughing when I sing it.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

"We are the Champions" by Queen

This was one of my favorite songs when it came out. Of course, I was only 10 years old then. Fortunately, I outgrew it many years ago. Other Queen songs have aged much better than this silly tune. Since I may not be posting later this week, I'll share this special treat, one of my favorite lewd lyrics...

Original lyrics:
We are the champions my friend
And we'll keep on fighting till the end
We are the champions, we are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions of the world

Lewd lyrics:
We are the tampons my friend
And we'll keep absorbing till the end
We are the tampons, we are the tampons
No need for maxis
'Cause we are the tampons of the world

I love the way these lyrics just suck all the machismo out of the original. Sing along next time they play this at a sporting event!

Friday, October 15, 2010

"She'd Rather Be With Me" by the Turtles

We're going back to the sixties today at Lewd Lyrics for one of my favorite singles bands, the Turtles (aka Flo & Eddie). These guys are hilarious in concert, lots of fun.

Original lyrics:
Some girls love to run around
Love to handle everything they see
But my girl has more fun around
And you know she'd rather be with me

Lewd lyrics:
Some girls love to slut around
Love to suck on every cock they see
But my girl likes 'em long and round
So you know she'd rather be with me

Aside from no longer being radio-friendly, the lewd lyrics don't really change this song much. The message is still the same, just more graphic.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Bonus: Lewd Band Name

The Sniveling Shits... or The Sniffling Shits

"My Life" by Billy Joel

I think Billy Joel gets a bad rap from critics. I enjoyed a lot of his late 1970s-early 1980s material, including this song.

Original lyrics:
I don't care what you say anymore, it's my life
Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone
(Keep it to yourself, it's my life)

Lewd lyrics:
I don't care what you say anymore, she's my wife
Go ahead fuck your own wife, leave mine alone
(Keep it in your pants, she's my wife)

This fits Billy Joel perfectly. I mean, the guy looks average at best, and yet he was married to Christie Brinkley. Then at age 55, he married 23-year-old Katie Lee. So he's been telling guys to back off for years (of course this song came years before those relationships, but I haven't seen pictures of his first wife).

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

"Owner of a Lonely Heart" by Yes

I hate this band so much. That's why my first post on this blog was a Yes song. No one was more disgusted by the second coming of Yes in 1983 with 90210* than I was. This song was the album's first single, biggest hit, and most persistent "classic rock" track.

Original lyrics
Owner of a lonely heart

Lewd Lyrics:
Blower of a lonely fart

The worst thing about this song is the recurring orchestra bits that sound like synthesizer farts. With those in mind, the lewd lyrics fit the music better than the original gibberish.

* Yeah, I know it's called 90125 for the record's catalog number, but if I'm messing with the lyrics anyway, I may as well call the album whatever I want. And 90210 is at least closer to the original title than the more descriptive Steaming Pile of Elephant Feces.

Friday, October 8, 2010

"Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton

Yeah, I know it's a sad song about his son dying, but it's been overplayed, and when a song gets overplayed, the gears in my twisted mind start grinding. Besides, since Clapton moved on and stopped playing it in 2004, isn't it time for the rest of us to stop wallowing in the misery of this song?

Original lyrics:
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Lewd lyrics:
Would you buy a round
If they sold beer in heaven?
Would you pound them down
If they sold beer in heaven?
If you're broke as hell, it's just as well
'Cause I know that they don't sell
Beer in heaven

What I love about this is that it references that classic drinking tune "In heaven there is no beer/That's why we drink it here."

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

"Smooth Operator" by Sade

Released over 25 years ago, this song has had incredible staying power.

Original lyrics:
Smooth operator, smooth operator

Lewd lyrics:
Smooth copulator, smooth copulator*

Incidentally, a smooth copulator would probable match the rhythm of this song. I sing these words whenever my wife and I hear this song playing softly in a nice restaurant. Needless to say, she hates that.

* Copulator can also be spelled -er, but -or matches the original lyrics nicely.

Monday, October 4, 2010

"It's Only Rock and Roll" by the Rolling Stones

Nothing is sacred here at Lewd Lyrics, not even the self-declared "World's Greatest Rock and Roll Band."

Original lyrics:
I know it's only rock and roll but I like it

Lewd lyrics:
I know a cunt's a stinky hole but I like it

I always thought Mick Jagger was the womanizer of the Stones -- just ask Jerry Hall -- but then I heard Bill Wyman's claim that he has slept with 1,000 women. That surprised me; no one ever suspects a bassist of getting that much tail. On reflection, it makes sense, though. While Mick and Keef are sitting through endless interviews, the other guys in the band have to do something for entertainment. While Charlie Watts probably listened to jazz music, Bill was listening to the fevered moans of faked orgasms from desperate starfuckers*. I'm not the best judge of male beauty, being a hetero guy, but I don't think he is particularly attractive (okay, I think he's downright funny-looking). I can't help wondering if his most successful pick-up line was, "Want to meet Mick Jagger?" Maybe Bill could sing along with these lewd lyrics since he clearly has an affinity for that stinky hole.

* That's not me being lewd -- it 's a Rolling Stones song.