"Rock Around the Clock" by Bill Haley and His Comets

Today we go back to the dawn of rock and roll. Speaking of dawn, these lewd lyrics popped into my head first thing this morning when I woke up.

Original lyrics:
One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock,

Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock,

Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock rock,

We're gonna rock around the clock tonight.

Lewd lyrics:

One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock cock,

Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock cock,

Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock cock,

She's gonna suck a lot of cock tonight.

To paraphrase one of the characters in Reservoir Dogs, "That's a lotta dick!"

"Drive" by the Cars

Something about the hook-laden songs of the Cars really begs for lewd lyrics. This song is probably reviled by many because it's a slow, depressing ballad, unlike the majority of the band's hits.

Original lyrics:
You can't go on thinkin' nothing's wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight? 

Lewd lyrics:
I can't go on with this aching dong,
Who's gonna ride my hose tonight?

Basically, it's about a guy with blue balls who needs to score with somebody, anybody, tonight. With that premise, it's easy (and fun!) to ad-lib the rest of the lyrics.

Bonus: Lewd Band Name

Hairy Coin Slot

"Help Me Rhonda" by the Beach Boys

Recently I was browsing a website of T-shirts, and I came across this awful fratboy joke of a name. Then I heard "Help Me Rhonda" and figured out that the name fit into the lyrics.

Original lyrics:
Help me Rhonda,
Help help me Rhonda
Help me Rhonda,
Help help me Rhonda

Lewd lyrics:
Would ya blow me
Heywood Jablowme
Would ya blow me
Heywood Jablowme

I apologize for this one; I know you've grown accustomed to a higher level of humor than this in Lewd Lyrics.

"I Will Follow Him" by Lesley Gore

This is one of those awful songs that still gets tons of airplay on oldies stations.

Original lyrics:

I love him, I love him, I love him,
And where he goes I´ll follow, I´ll follow, I´ll follow.

Lewd lyrics:

I love him, I love him, I love him,
And when he comes I´ll swallow, I´ll swallow, I´ll swallow.

If you really love him, you will.

"I Hate Myself for Loving You" by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

I actually came up with these lyrics while watching Sunday Night Football on NBC. Their theme song, sung by Faith Hill, is a rewrite of this Joan Jett & the Blackhearts tune. This matters because I personally would prefer to imagine Hill singing the following lewd lyrics rather than Jett.

Original lyrics:
I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you
That's why I hate myself for loving you

Lewd lyrics:
I hate myself for blowing you
My whole damn face is covered with goo
I wanna throw up 'cause I choked on it, too
That's why I hate myself for blowing you

This is especially appropriate since Jett is a vegetarian. She hates herself for putting a sausage in her mouth!

"Talking in Your Sleep" by the Romantics

I came up with this one years ago, when the video was in heavy rotation on MTV.

Original lyrics:
I hear the secrets that you keep
When you're talking in your sleep
I hear the secrets that you keep
When you're talking in your sleep

Lewd lyrics:
I hear the secrets that you keep
When you're fucking with your sheep
I hear the secrets that you keep
When you're fucking with your sheep

The funniest thing about these lewd lyrics is the idea that a sheep-fucker would engage in pillow talk after doing the deed. Then again, they are the Romantics!

"The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by the Charlie Daniels Band

I thought this was the coolest song when I was nine years old. But when they came out with "Legend of Wooley Swamp", I thought that was even cooler.

Original lyrics:
The devil bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat.
He laid that golden fiddle on the ground at Johnny's feet.
Johnny said: "Devil just come on back if you ever want to try again.
"I told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best that's ever been."

Lewd lyrics:
The devil gave good head because he knew that he'd been beat.
And he let that seed spill on the ground at Johnny's feet.
Johnny said: "Devil just come on back if you ever want to blow again.
"I told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best that's ever been."

Yeah, that's right. Instead of a fiddle of gold, the devil bets Johnny a blowjob! And then he spills the seed against God's wishes, just like Onan (except Onan was banging his dead brother's wife, not giving another dude a hummer).

"Closing Time" by Semisonic

I really liked this band -- I was a fan of Dan Wilson and John Munson when they were in Trip Shakespeare 20 years ago, too. While I'm glad "Closing Time" made some money for them (btw, check out drummer Jacob Schlichter's book about the music business, So You Wanna Be a Rock & Roll Star), eventually it shifted into the category of "overplayed." And when a song gets too much airplay, my mind starts to twist the words a bit...

Original lyrics:
I know who I want to take me home

I know who I want to take me home

I know who I want to take me home

Lewd lyrics:

I know who I want to take my hose

I know who I want to take my hose

I know who I want to take my hose

What I like about the new lyrics is that they don't change the meaning of the song one bit. They just make it a little more direct.

"Bad Day" by R.E.M.

I was a fan of R.E.M. back in the day, when Michael Stipe's lyrics were so hard to understand they may as well all have been lewd. Of course, this is a newer song.

Original lyrics:

It's been a bad day.
Please don't take a picture.
It's been a bad day.
Please.

Lewd lyrics:

It's been a bad day.
Please don't take my pecker.
It's been a bad day.
Please.

Because that would make a bad day much, much worse.

"Do Your Ears Hang Low?"

For a change of pace, here's an old ditty all the kids know. I hear it playing from the Good Humor ice cream truck rolling slowly down our street.

Original lyrics:
Do your ears hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them o'er your shoulder
Like a Continental Soldier?
Do your ears hang low?

Lewd lyrics:
Do your balls hang low?

Do they wobble to and fro?

Can you tie them to your cock?

Can you tie them in a bow?

Can you shake them in your pants

When you do a little dance?

Do your balls hang low?

Needless to say, the Good Humor man's tour down our street has become the sing-a-long highlight of my day.

"Lookin' Out My Back Door" by Creedence Clearwater Revival

I have a friend who knows a guy in a Chicago-based CCR tribute band called the Fortunate Sons. They are pretty good. If you want to hear what CCR sounded like back in the day, they are more accurate than John Fogerty's current live show. I've heard them play a lot, so I've come up with plenty of lewd CCR lyrics to share.

Original lyrics:
Doo, doo, doo, lookin' out my back door

Lewd lyrics:
Doo, doo, doo, goin' in her back door

No, you won't hear the Fortunate Sons sing these words!

"I Hear You Knocking" by Gale Storm, Dave Edmunds, and Others

Wikipedia lists more than 25 artists who have recorded this classic.

Original lyrics:
I hear you knocking but you can't come in
I hear you knocking, go back where you've been

Lewd lyrics:
Show me your knockers or you can't come in
Show me your knockers, baby it's no sin

A reasonable request, don't you think?

"Don't Let Me Down" by the Beatles

This was never a favorite. It's pretty overrated as a Beatles song, notable only for Billy Preston's part. The only decent lyrics are in the bridge; the rest are repetitive.

Original lyrics:
Don't let me down
Don't let me down
(repeat ad nauseum)

Lewd lyrics:
Don't box your clown
Don't box your clown
(repeat ad nauseum)

The only problem is I can't really imagine John Lennon recording a public service announcement discouraging people from masturbating.

Bonus: Curse of the Day

"You Satan-fellatin' motherfucker!"